I have crossed out everything I can't eat. |
Dr. Mathias is the fourth best specialist in the entire country and he is also the only doctor in the world who conducts electrograstrograms. In case you're not up-to-date with your unusual medical practices, an electrogastrogram measures the electrical activity going on inside your abdomen. First, he listened to my tummy with a stethoscope. His eyes opened wide, as if in shock, then handed me the ear-piece for the stethoscope. I listened to my own belly. He said, "Do you hear that sound? It almost sounds like Rice Krispies". I nodded and asked him what that was. He replied, "That's the cause of your pain."
He then led me to a small room. In the middle of the room was a comfy-looking recliner. Towards the back of the room was a series of scary, sci-fi-inspired machines- each making their own beeping noise with corresponding LED lights, blinking in special patterns to show that they were all on and working correctly. The nurse sat me down in the chair, stuck four sticky pads to my abdomen, then covered me in a blanket so I wouldn't be cold. She told me not to move at all for fifteen minutes, as any slight flinch would effect the test and we'd have to start all over again. I took this as a cue to take a nap.
Oh hell no. |
Soon after the test was over, they led me back to the exam room. Dr. Mathias returned with a small stack of papers. The first two papers were my test results. The compared my electrogastrogram with that of a healthy person. Mine were more sporadic and random than the control. He told me that this meant I was having seizures in my bowel. Yes. Seizures. In my tummy.
Only me, I swear.
He told me the tremors were causing my intestines to bump into each other, bruise each other, and thus cause a great portion of my pain. He said it was treatable with certain medications and a well-controlled diet. Of course, he said this wasn't the only problem my test results showed.
He said I'm also diabetic. Not type 1 (the kind you're born with)... type 2 (the kind that fat people get for eating too many powdered donuts). I am 5'1", and 98 pounds, eat very healthy, and I am a type 2 diabetic. What. The. Hell.
So now, I have to be on the most obnoxious diet ever.
No red meat. No soda. No aged cheese. No chocolate. No bacon. No candy. No corn. No soy (which we knew already). No pizza. No ham. No potatoes (except for the red variety). No white bread. No muffins. No bagels. No carrots. No NOTHING.
The list goes on. I also have very special rules for the things I can eat. I can't eat fruit without a protein. I have to have 1 tablespoon of olive oil with EACH MEAL (even breakfast). Each meal must follow a pattern the nurse gave me (30% carbs, 30% Omega 3 fatty acids, 40% protein).
This sucks. As I was examining the list, I realized that everything I love to eat is on my restricted list. Only boring things are on my "okay to eat" list. :(
I am not looking forward to this. FML.
So let's explain what's going on inside of me. First, there is a primitive "brain" lining your intestines. It works independently of the brain in your head. This "brain" helps control the sphincters in your bowel, helps absorb nutrients, and dispose of waste. The say this "brain" made way for the evolution of the brain we have in our heads now. In fact, if you dissect a worm, you will see this exact same "tummy brain" lining their entire body. This is because worms don't have a "real" brain. They just have this primitive brain that allows them to absorb nutrients and keep the body alive. My tummy brain is a little silly. It has seizures. It's called Intestinal Epilepsy. This is incredibly rare. In 2005, only 36 cases were confirmed. Yay?
This is not the only cause of my pain, but it's definitely a factor. I'm glad they could find what was wrong with me so now we can treat it. Once they treat the seizures, I can go into surgery and Dr. Mangal can remove all the Endometriosis. If he were to open me up now, the tremors would get in the way and he couldn't be as through.
Still, though, I'm going to miss eating food that actually tastes good.
<3 Mouse