Saturday, August 23, 2014

Going Back on Medical Leave

Since I last posted, I went back to Clark University. All seemed well. I got to see my friends, I was excited for my classes, and I was feeling pumped to restart this chapter in my life. But my feeling of "pumptitude" was short lived.

As soon as classes started up again, I got into my typical cycle of wake up, hygiene maintenance, go to class, take rigorous notes, study, try to eat somewhere in between, hygiene maintenance, sleep. For a few days this was working out pretty well. I was living in an apartment with five of my friends, so I didn't have the hazards of dorm life to worry about. I was truly on my own. I made most of my own (healthy) food, I found ways to cut time in the morning so I could get some extra, much needed, sleep, and I was trying to socialize as much as I could. But that wasn't enough. Starting from day one, I was being annoyed by the incessant pain in my abdomen. It was hard to take notes in class because the Fibromyalgia made it hard to write things down as fast as I needed to. My medications made it hard to pay attention and stay away during those important lectures. To keep it short, I was a mess.

I spent all my time in my room. I skipped class when the pain was too much for me to even get out of bed. I was depressed. I didn't want to have to worry about homework, online assignments, or the lack of notes I was taking. I just wanted to sleep the pain away.

My friends tried to help by getting me a certain... *ahem* herbal supplement... (which was totally legal, by the way. This particular herbal supplement was decriminalized in the state of Massachusetts as long as you had under an ounce on you). This herbal supplement helped a lot, but I couldn't go to class smelling like it. It felt like a quick fix for all my pain. The seizures in my abdomen diminished into nothing and I was able to focus harder on my studies. While this was all fine and dandy, it wasn't a cure and the relief it gave me only lasted half an hour, at best, since I didn't take very much in one sitting.

At this point, my closest friends started getting worried. My roommates even noticed something was wrong. Unless I decided to go to class that day, my entire life was spend in my bedroom. They asked me questions, a friend gave me a pamphlet on depression and suicide prevention (as if a pamphlet could help me if that was the case). Eventually, the physical pain got to me, and the questions were bothering me too much, so I stopped talking to everyone completely. My grades dropped to B's, to C's, then F's. I simply didn't care anymore.

Eventually, I realized that if my grades continued to drop, I would lose all my scholarships and I wouldn't be able to attend Clark University anymore, so I went on my second medical leave of absence. It was a hard and sad decision, but ultimately, I think I made the right choice. My health has been steadily decreasing and I don't know if I could have managed passing grades that semester. I am still on medical leave, and I have been for 10 months now. I will be finishing my degree later, but for now, I am focusing on my health and hoping for the best.

The worst part of this extended medical leave? I'm really bored.

<3 Mouse

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